Guaranteed Smiles For April 17th

We realize that most of you are pretty busy this week. So, rather than giving you anything that requires you to think, here are some of my favorite tax quotes to put your busy season in a broader perspective. Enjoy!

“Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, let’s say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.” 
Jay Leno

“The only difference between a taxman and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.” 
Mark Twain

“The difference between death and taxes is death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.” 
Will Rogers

“Two years ago it was impossible to get through on the phone to the IRS. Now It’s just hard to get through. That’s progress.” 
Charles Rossotti (former IRS Commissioner)

“A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.” 
G. Gordon Liddy

“Day in and day out, your tax accountant can make or lose you more money than any single person in your life, with the possible exception of your kids.” 
Harvey Mackay

“If you get up early, work late, and pay your taxes, you will get ahead — if you strike oil.” 
J. Paul Getty

“If you are truly serious about preparing your child for the future, don’t teach him to subtract – teach him to deduct.” 
Fran Lebowitz

“Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases ‘revenue enhancement.’ Not so. No one was fooled.” 
Dan Quayle

“The question is: What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by: Satan. But he works through the Congress, so that’s where we must focus our efforts.” 
Dave Barry

“I wouldn’t mind paying taxes… if I knew they were going to a friendly country.” 
Dick Gregory

“Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.” 
Herman Wouk

“The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.” 
John Maynard Keynes

“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes.” 
Mick Jagger

“Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors… and miss.” 
Robert Heinlein

“Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.” 
F. J. Raymond

“On my income tax 1040 it says ‘Check this box if you are blind.’ I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.” 
Tom Lehrer

“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” 
Milton Berle

“The taxpayer – that’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.” 
Ronald Reagan

“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.” 
Dave Barry

“The income tax created more criminals than any other single act of government.” 
Barry Goldwater

“A dog who thinks he is man’s best friend is a dog who has obviously never met a tax lawyer.” 
Fran Liebowitz